kardASSian

767802-1675b95e-6ad4-11e4-b185-fd998d90ddfaKim, why do I get the feeling if I pressed your ass onto a newspaper comic strip I could pull it off and read a Ziggy cartoon plain as day? Why is it always orange and shiny?  Did you back into an oiled pancake skillet?  I would imagine it’s tough to keep track of a three foot bean bag chair permanently attached to the small of your back, but can’t Kanye keep it away from the stove? He’s up there anyway.

I guess you have a right to be proud of the end result of spin class and airbrushing, but how will you explain your ass-posure to your daughter? That even though you appear to have business savvy and a dad on a Wheaties box you wanted fame without reason, and decided the shortest distance between two points was the crack of your butt? That even though you have enough money to carpet the entire planet you instead hired a team of lighting specialists to determine the best shadows to highlight your taint?

You could be grooming her to lead all of your many charitable organizations, or at least Angelina Jolie’s many charitable organizations.  You could be raising her to use her brain almost as often as her vagina.  You could be teaching her that a pap smear selfie is in bad taste. But you’re not. You’re spreading your butt cheeks over her head like earmuffs, so the first memories she’ll have of you will be looking up to see if your tampon string is showing. And it will be.

 

 

liar liar nurse on fire

Nurse Jackie, you little minx, why do I want to believe you?  Is it because I knew you when you were a mom from Queens kissing her perfect husband across the bar he was endlessly wiping with a rag? Sure you were cheating, but it was only with one guy and, I don’t know, I never took him seriously. And Vicodin is delicious, I get it.

You stole a dead nun’s credentials to blame her for a crime you committed.  You used the money for your daughter’s private school tuition at a CVS pharmacy counter.  You broke your own finger and put your foot under a moving car tire because it bought you five more seconds to think of your next excuse.  You have to admire how resourceful you are, especially under the influence of a barbiturate sampler platter,  and still manage to rock those blue scrubs that hug in all the right places.  Some would call that “having it all.”

If a loved one became suspicious you threw a beaker of haughty, righteously indignant  acid in their stupid face and ducked into a stairwell to sniff a bunch of fat lines of crushed painkillers, what’s not to love? You’re a great nurse when you’re high as a kite, what would you be sober, a librarian? I’m not watching a show about a librarian, Jackie.

But now, even the giant tear drops squeezed from your adorable daughters do nothing but give you ideas about speeding up your process by putting drugs directly into your eyes.  I’m still with you, I really am, but using an elderly patient for her prescriptions that you sell to that sleazebag dealer you used to sleep with? Why would you hurt Eddie’s feelings like that?  You know what a sensitive co-dependent enabler he is, come on. And you didn’t even thank them after they medically detoxed you in jail, don’t you realize how much vomiting time you saved? Just because you’re in the midst of a downward spiral is no reason to be rude.

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Oh wait, did I put that penile implant in the right guy after I drank morphine in the bathroom?

tina fey is not the boss of me but she could be

Of course you don’t need a list of reasons why Tina Fey rules, but I’m assuming you want one. So here it is:

She doesn’t dress like she’s meeting Michelle Obama for lunch all the time. Her characters hang out at home without shoes and pants and underwear,  like God intended.

Characters in her shows actually laugh in conversation, like friends. Not like the Anniston-Cox-Schwimmer-LeBlanc-Perry-Kudrow  Friends who didn’t seem to have anyone else to hang out with.

Not every male/female relationship is dipped in sexual tension,  just good old fashioned conversation and then everyone goes home.  This leaves the audience to wonder if there will be a wedding  on the season finale and if not, what the hell else is supposed to happen in a season finale? Is someone going to die?

Her rendition of Marcia Clark is so right on it actually makes me feel bad for Marcia Clark, having her inner world and Christopher Darden obsession exposed so hilariously. Fun fact: Christoper Darden actually married a woman named Marcia Carter. It’s hard not to take that personally.

She gave the world Titus Andromedon, for which she should win a Nobel Peace Prize because no one brings people together like a little Titus Andromedon.

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She played a female woman, of the feminine persuasion, with a vagina and everything, who wasn’t obsessed with gaining weight. In deference to every TV show in the world where forks with salad hover near and around a mouth it never enters she validated the donut-eating, gut-embracing, cheese curl-worshiping diva in us all.m220776062