Yes, I keep a crisp, white hanky tucked into my pocket even though I haven’t blown my nose in 700 years

Why are vampires always glamorous and well dressed? Sure, I could see busying about keeping up with the current pant length trends for  the first hundred years or so, but after that wouldn’t you just climb out of the coffin and throw on some sweatpants?  The dry cleaning bills alone must be insane, you know how hard it is to get blood stains out of an ascot?

Are you wearing five layers of golden silk to the party tonight or can I borrow them?

It doesn’t seem like they need to try so hard when a simple leather corset and black cape is always appropriate for sneaking up on dinner as it walks foolishly down a spooky, darkened alley.    And why deal with an over-elaborate getup when  they can just use their mind-control-bossiness to lure victims from the super-hip nightclubs they always seem to hang out at, are they just showing off? Like being a vampire isn’t enough of an accomplishment?

These fingers make buttoning a nightmare but it’s worth it to look this good

How do they even get the money to stay so fabulous? They don’t seem to work,  you don’t often have a Bank Loan Manager that is also a vampire.  Did I miss the scene from Twilight where the kids take a break from stalking prey and falling obsessively in love with each other to go shoplifting at  Forever 21?

Why not a nice simple yoga pant?  It’s easier to change into a bat and back again when you’re wearing something stretchy and forgiving, especially with a nice full stomach.

It’s important for a gal’s eyebrows to be razor sharp for eternity